It’s easy to tell when someone’s not paying attention, but it can be surprisingly tricky to know what truly excellent listening looks like. Behavioral scientists have found that good listening is one of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships, develop our worldview, and potentially even change people’s minds.
At its core, listening in a one-on-one conversation is about taking an interest in another person and making them feel understood. There’s no universally agreed-upon definition of high-quality listening, but some recurring features include attentiveness, conveying understanding, and showing a positive intention towards the speaker. This doesn’t mean you can simply go through the motions—researchers have found that merely smiling and nodding at set intervals doesn’t quite work. However, there is something slightly performative about listening in that it’s important to show you’re doing it. So, in addition to actively attending to a speaker’s words, good listeners also use questions and body language that indicate their understanding and their desire to understand.
This might feel awkward at first, and what’s most effective might depend on your relationship with the speaker. But with time and practice, you can internalize these basic behaviors. So let’s say a good friend wants to tell you about an issue they’re having with their partner. Before even starting your conversation, remove any distractions in the environment. Turn off the TV, take off your headphones, and put your phone away— far away. One study showed that even the visible presence of a phone made conversations feel less intimate and fulfilling to those involved.
Once the conversation begins, one of the most important things you can do is also the most obvious—try not to interrupt. This doesn’t mean you need to stay completely silent. But if you do interject, look for natural pauses to ask open-ended questions that benefit the speaker, not just your curiosity. Questions like “What happened next?” or “How did that make you feel?” confirm that you’re following the story while also helping the speaker dive deeper into their own thoughts.
Another great way to show your understanding is by summarizing what you just heard and asking if you’ve missed anything. Summaries like this show the speaker that you’re truly trying to understand them rather than just waiting for your turn to talk. Speaking of which, while a good conversation requires back and forth, planning out your response while the speaker is talking is a common way to miss what’s being said. So try to stay present and if you lose focus, don’t be shy about asking the speaker to repeat what you missed. This might feel embarrassing, but asking for clarification actually shows that you’re committed to understanding.
Finally, don’t be afraid of silence. It’s okay to ask for a moment to formulate your response and taking a beat to think can help speakers reflect on their speech as well. These might seem like small changes, but together they make a big difference. And when people feel heard, they report more satisfaction, trust, and connection in their relationships. In the workplace, employees who feel heard generally experience less burnout, and perceive the managers who listened to them more favorably.
Unfortunately, while it might be easy to listen to some people, it can be hard to muster all this focus and attention if you disagree with or dislike the speaker. But these situations might actually benefit most from your efforts to listen openly. The theory of psychological reactance suggests that trying to force someone to change their mind makes them more likely to defend their point of view. However, recent studies suggest that high-quality listening fosters open-mindedness by creating a non-judgmental and psychologically safe environment.
Of course, truly open-minded listening isn’t about changing people’s minds. Good listening is not the same as agreeing, and conversations don’t have to end with a happy resolution. But even during a disagreement, sometimes being heard is enough to start a deeper conversation.
Pair up with a classmate and take turns being the speaker and the listener. The speaker will share a story or issue, and the listener will practice good listening techniques such as maintaining eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and summarizing what was heard. After each round, discuss what went well and what could be improved.
Keep a journal for a week where you document instances where you practiced good listening. Note the context, what techniques you used, and how the speaker responded. Reflect on what you learned from these experiences and how it affected your relationships.
Participate in a workshop where you engage in various activities designed to enhance your listening skills. These could include listening to short audio clips and summarizing them, practicing non-verbal communication, and engaging in group discussions where you focus on not interrupting and asking open-ended questions.
Form a circle with your classmates and take turns sharing a brief story or concern. After each person speaks, the group will provide feedback on how well they felt listened to. This activity helps you understand the impact of good listening on group dynamics and individual feelings.
Engage in a “silent conversation” where you and a partner communicate only through written notes. This activity emphasizes the importance of thoughtful responses and helps you practice summarizing and asking clarifying questions without verbal cues.
listening – the act of paying attention to and comprehending spoken language – She showed great listening skills during the meeting by taking notes and asking relevant questions.
relationships – the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected – Building strong relationships with clients is crucial for long-term business success.
worldview – a particular philosophy of life or conception of the world – His worldview was shaped by his experiences growing up in a small village.
change – to make or become different – The company implemented changes to its policies in order to improve efficiency.
conversation – an informal talk involving two or more people, typically in a relaxed and friendly setting – We had a great conversation about our future plans over dinner.
attentiveness – the action of paying close attention to something or someone – The teacher praised the students for their attentiveness during the lecture.
understanding – the ability to comprehend or grasp information or ideas – We need to have a better understanding of the issue before making a decision.
intention – a determination to act in a certain way or accomplish a specific goal – Her intention was to start her own business and be her own boss.
questions – an expression of inquiry that seeks information or clarification – The journalist asked probing questions during the press conference.
body language – nonverbal communication through gestures, facial expressions, and posture – His crossed arms and furrowed brow showed his displeasure through body language.
