Rejection is a painful experience, akin to physical pain. This is not just a metaphorical comparison; fMRI studies have shown that rejection triggers brain activity in the same neural regions that process physical pain. The language we use to describe rejection, such as feeling “crushed” or “broken-hearted,” further emphasizes this connection. But why does rejection elicit such a strong response, and how can we cope with this unique kind of pain?
Psychologists often describe rejection as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value having social connections with us. This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner, excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against. However, these interpersonal rejections have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job. In these experiences, we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship. The pain of rejection often increases the more we value a relationship, but even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.
Just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats to our physical well-being, hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being. Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans and depended on everyone they knew for survival. These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone as a potential threat to their safety. While it’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory, it’s clear that this warning system doesn’t include instructions for how to process this intense emotional experience.
When feeling rejected, it’s helpful to ask yourself a few questions. Consider your relationship with the person rejecting you. Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear? Or is it just a loose acquaintance? If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question: does this rejection really matter? It can sting when a stranger doesn’t laugh at your joke, but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection with little impact on your life.
How you perceive yourself also factors into this equation. You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others, and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations where they have a low opinion of themselves. So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret other people’s neutral reactions as rejections. Reflecting on your self-view and asking yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you can be helpful.
Unfortunately, after asking these questions, you might still conclude that a person close to you doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do. This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things. First, this rejection isn’t just about you. The other party wants something different from your relationship, and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair, or simply not what you have to give. Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you. The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships.
By reflecting on your behavior, you can find clues to help better understand the rejection and think critically about the relationship you want to have with this person. Every relationship and rejection is unique. But whatever the specifics, it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this. Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life—even those who seem confident in their belonging. One of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience is to reconnect with those who already accept you.
Engage in role-playing activities where you and your classmates act out different scenarios involving rejection. This could include situations like not being chosen for a team, being turned down for a date, or being excluded from a social group. Discuss how each person feels and brainstorm healthy ways to cope with these feelings.
Form small groups and discuss personal experiences of rejection. Reflect on how you felt at the time and how you dealt with those feelings. Share coping strategies and consider how understanding the evolutionary theory of rejection might change your perspective on these experiences.
Create a piece of art, a poem, or a short story that explores the theme of rejection. Use this creative outlet to express your emotions and thoughts on the topic. Share your work with the class and discuss how creative expression can be a therapeutic way to deal with rejection.
Practice mindfulness and self-reflection exercises to better understand your feelings of rejection. This could include journaling about a recent experience of rejection, meditating on your self-worth, or writing a letter to yourself offering compassion and understanding.
Conduct research on the psychological and physiological effects of rejection. Create a presentation to share your findings with the class. Include information on how rejection affects the brain, common emotional responses, and effective coping mechanisms. This will help deepen your understanding of the topic and provide valuable information to your peers.
Pain – Physical or emotional discomfort or suffering. – She experienced intense pain after spraining her ankle.
Rejection – The act of refusing or dismissing someone or something. – He felt a deep sense of rejection after being turned down for the job.
Physical pain – Discomfort or distress felt in the body. – The physical pain from her injury made it difficult for her to walk.
fMRI studies – Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging studies that measure brain activity. – The fMRI studies showed increased brain activity in response to the stimulus.
Brain activity – Electrical and chemical signals occurring in the brain. – The researchers observed heightened brain activity in the frontal lobe during the cognitive task.
Metaphorical comparison – A figure of speech in which a comparison is made between two unrelated things. – The author used a metaphorical comparison to describe the character’s emotions as a stormy sea.
Coping – The process of dealing with and managing difficult or challenging situations. – She developed various coping strategies to deal with stress.
Understanding – The ability to comprehend or grasp information or concepts. – Through careful study, he gained a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
Evolutionary theory – A scientific explanation for the development and change of species over time. – The professor discussed the key principles of evolutionary theory in the biology lecture.
Dealing with rejection – The process of handling or managing the emotional impact of being rejected. – She sought therapy to learn effective strategies for dealing with rejection.
