Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies. From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses, and flimsy corporate promises, it’s all too easy to give a bad apology. However, researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements. Thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends in a wide variety of situations. For the purpose of this article, we’re going to focus on some person-to-person examples.
Imagine this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches in the communal fridge—or at least that’s what you thought. But on Friday, when you’re helping your co-worker Terence set up another colleague’s birthday party, he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone. While this is obviously an embarrassing accident, coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do. Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions is what some researchers call the “centerpiece of an apology.”
It’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be! The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful. So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental, it’s important to remember that a good apology isn’t about making you feel better. It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party and repair the damage to your relationship. This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful, your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering a sincere apology.
But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident? Consider this: you promised your friend Marie that you’d attend her championship football match. But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket for your favorite musician’s farewell tour. You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and you can’t pass it up. Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t mind if you miss the game—she always has plenty of fans supporting her. But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt when she didn’t see you in the crowd. You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize. But while you regret hurting Marie, you’re not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.
So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology, “I’m sorry YOU feel this way”? In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective. Consider asking Marie how you made them feel to better understand your offense. In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed you broke your promise, and she was really counting on your support. This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing and honestly accept how your actions caused harm. Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns, perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise, and that you’re sorry you weren’t there for her.
Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know exactly how you messed up, and it can give Marie faith that you’ll behave differently moving forward. But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense. Researchers call this the “offer of repair,” and it’s often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.
In some cases, these gestures are straightforward, like offering to replace the ice cream you ate. However, with less tangible transgressions, this might need to be more symbolic, like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged. One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment not to make the same mistake again, but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.
Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility, and making concrete offers of repair are just a few of the elements of a good apology. But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on; they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability. And the best apologies are just the first step on the road to reconciliation.
Imagine you are in a situation where you need to apologize to a friend or family member. Pair up with a classmate and take turns acting out different apology scenarios. Focus on understanding the other person’s perspective, accepting responsibility, and offering a way to repair the situation. Discuss what made each apology effective or ineffective.
Write a letter of apology for a hypothetical situation where you have wronged someone. Include all the elements of a good apology: taking responsibility, expressing remorse, and offering a way to make amends. Share your letters with the class and discuss the strengths and areas for improvement in each letter.
Read a series of apology statements from public figures or companies. Analyze each apology to determine if it includes the key elements of a good apology. Discuss as a class which apologies were effective and why, and how they could be improved.
Keep a journal for a week where you document any situations where you needed to apologize. Reflect on how you handled each situation, whether your apology included the key elements, and what you could do differently next time. Share your reflections with a small group and discuss what you learned.
Work in small groups to create posters that illustrate the key elements of a good apology. Use drawings, quotes, and examples to make your poster engaging and informative. Present your posters to the class and explain why each element is important in making a sincere apology.
Apologies – An expression of regret or remorse for wrongdoing or causing harm to someone. – I want to offer my sincere apologies for my thoughtless comment.
Responsibility – The state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something. – It is our responsibility to take care of the environment for future generations.
Understanding – The ability to comprehend or grasp the meaning or significance of something. – With some patience and understanding, we can work through this problem together.
Accepting – Consenting to receive or undertake something offered. – She had a hard time accepting the fact that her proposal was rejected.
Mistake – An error or blunder resulting from faulty judgment, carelessness, or inattention. – I made a mistake by not double-checking the dates on the calendar.
Accident – An unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury. – The car crash was a tragic accident that claimed two lives.
Non-apology – A statement that appears to express regret or remorse but does not actually apologize or take responsibility. – His so-called apology was just a non-apology, as he didn’t acknowledge his actions.
Perspective – A particular attitude or way of regarding something; a point of view. – Looking at the situation from her perspective, I can understand why she reacted that way.
Repair – To fix or mend something that is damaged, broken, or not functioning properly. – The mechanic was able to repair my car’s engine and get it running smoothly again.
Accountability – The state of being answerable or responsible for one’s actions or decisions. – Holding individuals accountable for their actions is crucial for maintaining a fair and just society.
